This is a Maternity Monday post by guest blogger Jess Levey. This series appears every Monday on Beccarama.
So, the other day my neighbor who has lived in my apartment building for 20 years or so, and who likes to bond with people by throwing out insults to them, said to me, upon finding out I was pregnant, “well, I was going to say something but since you are not the skinniest person in the world, I wasn’t quite positive that you were pregnant.” I was shocked, but I shouldn’t have been. She also once entered my apartment uninvited, saw my collection of clogs on my shoe rack and remarked, “women with our stature shouldn’t wear clogs.” Funny thing is that she says these things as a way of getting closer to me, and these insults always follow with a kind gesture the next day – one day it was antique brownie cameras left on my apartment door mat, the next an email with a relevant job posting in my inbox.
I took this insult lightly. I mean, I’m not completely unaware that I am not the skinniest person in the world, but I guess I was hoping that no one else knew this. Also, I was hoping that it was pretty obvious that I am pregnant and haven’t just taken up a nasty beer guzzling habit. The night before this incident I went to an art opening where I saw some friends and acquaintances that I had not seen in a while, and no one said anything about my new (or what I though was new) plump rounded belly. I had to point it out to everyone who I saw, and was shocked that it wasn’t so obvious. Granted, I was wearing a baby doll dress that made me look pregnant even at my thinnest, but it was still disappointing.
There were many reasons I was looking forward to being pregnant. Aside from the fact I would be able to experience this incredible biological miracle, and I could use my pregnancy as an excuse to not lift anything or go to that lame ass party, I would also have a much better excuse for having a rounded belly. I have always carried my extra weight in my tummy. One of my earliest memories is from when I was 5 years old doing pirouettes towards my ballet teacher and being so proud when I reached her chair and having her pat my stomach and say “you’ll have to get rid of that,” in that high-pitched cutesy tone that people seem to use when speaking to children even when they are being just plain old mean.
I’m pretty sure this is when my harsh self judgment began. I have always been a size 10/12 trying to just be a size 8, a goal I have successfully reached twice maybe three times after yet another stretch of diligently counting Weight Watchers points and exercising routinely or punishing myself for not keeping up my routine. But, the fact is that I love food, and even as healthy as I am, calories are calories especially for someone with as slow of a metabolism as me, and eating half as much as I want to eat doesn’t last very long. How nice to be pregnant and not be counting my points anymore. I knew in the beginning that I would want to let myself go, eat croissants every morning without worry since I was going to grow big anyway and maybe baby will like croissants as much as I do.
But, I knew that eating empty calorie foods would never be good for me and the baby either. I know from experience, that when I am my healthiest, meaning when my husband and I are cooking together from our food co-op’s incredible produce selections that I not only look better, but I am also my happiest. I know women that gained 70 pounds when they were pregnant which always freaks me out, but they also revealed to me that they were eating Doritos and Pringles daily, they didn’t gain this weight from eating watermelon (my one major craving throughout the past 5 months). When my midwife had told me that she doesn’t care how many calories I eat as long as the calories are from healthy food, I was so relieved. I haven’t been told this by any nutritionist or dietician in the past 20 some dieting years. Of course, I still have that occasional ice cream, but only from our local homemade organic shop (there is calcium in ice cream right?). But, mostly I eat tons of fruit, lots of veggies, fish more often than meat, whole grains, and yogurt. In the amazing book Origins: How the Nine Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of Our Lives, which I have been reading, the author explains how studies have shown that eating leafy greens during pregnancy can actually prevent cancer in your child. The fact that I can help my child’s health this early on is extremely empowering. Before my child is even born, I am able to truly affect its development by making simple choices. If I can’t control the air that it is breathing, I might as well control the quality and type of fuel it is ingesting. Now, if I could only look at my new even bigger belly as a strong home for my growing baby rather than a reason why I can never be a ballerina…